A Million First Dates

In a thread of tweets I scanned the other day, a few women were venting about how much they hate the "getting to know you" phase of relationships. I can relate. I've been on a whole heap of dates in my 30-something years of life and I can't think of many situations more awkward than sitting in a restaurant on a first or second date, playing 20 Questions.

What's your favorite color? What do you do for a living? Where did you grow up? How long have you been in [insert city]? Do you have siblings? Are your parents still together?

I'll pass.

What I've realized in recent years, though, is that "phase" never ends. Sure, we eventually get past the stage of back-to-back superficial questions that are asked as sad attempts to avoid the dreaded silence in the beginning. But if we do it right, we can spend a lifetime getting to know our partners. The quirks, the likes and dislikes. More things to love — or not — about your mate.

I was thinking about all this the other day when I realized something "quirky" about The Boo: Instead of saying, "you look nice" or "I like that dress on you" or whatever, he'll say something like, "Look at you with your little dress on" or "you got your rock-star shirt on, huh?" It took me a while to realize this is his oddball way of giving me "compliments." And that's just one simple example of the new things I learn or become conscious of about him every day. Some I love, others ... eh. But I love the journey. Becoming aware of things even as simple a his delivery of compliments heightens our understanding of each other and helps us communicate better.

It's a deeper adventure that makes suffering through all those first-date surface questions well-worth it.

Love Life vs. Work Life

"Every relationship has its ups and downs."

Cliche.

But I don't think I've ever known anything so trite to ring more true than in this moment of my life. 
I've been in a relationship for going on two years now. He's my heart, for sure. Long before we became lovers, we were friends and he's had my back through some seriously trying times. It's impossible for me to imagine life without him in my corner. That's why this place we're in right now in our relationship is so frustrating. I don't want to say I'm at a crossroads, but it's definitely a "down" phase.

Here's the deal. About six months ago, Mr. Man took a demanding, high-stress job. It requires that he work a regular schedule, plus be on call 24/7. He literally lives — yes, I'm talkin' house on the premises — at his job. That means most of the time we spend together consists of stolen moments we hope won't be interrupted by a phone call that pulls him away. Before taking this job, I should add, he was a freelancing "creative," making his own schedule and setting aside plenty of time for us. I loved it. Now, all of our plans are penciled in, subject to change or be canceled altogether. If I should say so myself, I've adjusted well to the shift. If he has to leave in the middle of dinner, I roll with it. Rain checks for planned date nights? I take them in stride and wait patiently to cash them in. I'm easy-breezy and far from the needy girl I used to be, so I can live without us being stuck under each other all the time. Plus, he still calls multiple times a day and every night to "tuck me in," if we aren't together.

The problem lately — actually, the first real problem we've had since we've been together — has been his unavailability during a couple times I've really needed him, like the car-related semi-emergency I had the other day. Now, I wasn't hurt or stranded on the side of the road, but I needed him nonetheless and he promised to help me handle the situation. The time came and he wasn't there. Why? Because his job called, of course. Seemed to me a fine time for him to delegate the job need to someone else, drop everything and come help his lady, but no. He's so afraid to make a misstep at work — since he hasn't been there a whole year yet —that he feels he has to do everything himself, rather than trusting his staff to handle some tasks. It irks me, and I'm gradually running out of patience. Canceling dinner plans is one thing, missing in action when I really need him is just frustrating and it's putting a strain on our relationship. Sure, I can tell he gets genuinely disappointed in himself when he knows he's disappointed me. And he bends over backward to fix it, apologize and make me happy after the fact. Try as he might to make things up to me, though, the fact remains that I needed him and he wasn't there. And the key is to get it right the first time so you don't have to pull out all the "I'm sorry" tricks to make up for it later.

I don't expect to be put before his job at all times; we're not married, have no children. And if he loses said job there ain't a bill I can pay for him. I just want him to find a balance and soon. A large part of romantic relationships — any relationship really — is knowing that you can count on the other person, and I feel like we're losing our footing a little on that. I've expressed this to him and he seems receptive and understanding of the importance, so hopefully we'll find it soon.

Rihanna for River Island

Recently, Rihanna launch her first line of apparel with River Island. There are a range of looks and price points available. Are you planning to make a purchase from the Rihanna For River Island Collection? Visit the River Island site for yourself and check it out.

For now...check out her launch party attire? Yay or Nay?

Rihanna at the "Rihanna for River Island" Collection Launch in London, Mar 4 by robilollo featuring Manolo Blahnik shoes

Control vs. Respect: Where Do You Draw the Line?

I was watching a few back-to-back episodes of "The Real Housewives of Atlanta" the other day and the relationship of one of the characters (yes, I know it's a "reality" show, but I still call them characters) made my backside itch. If you think I'm talking about Kenya and her delusional situation with Walter, you're wrong. I'm talking about Porsha and her marriage to Kordell. From her not being allowed to have business meetings at home in his absence to him granting her "permission" to go to L.A. with the girls — it all just screams "way too controlling." Sure, I get it: Respect your husband, let him lead, etc. I'm all for that. But Porsha takes it to new heights. She already lacks her own identity. From what I've seen, it's all tied to the recognition, accomplishments of others (she's the granddaughter of ... the wife of ...) — fertile ground for the likes of controlling men. And the notion that allowing herself to be that controlled is somehow respect for her man is a complete fallacy.

But as bad as Porsha and Kordell's dictatorship of a marriage makes me want to scratch, there's another type of relationship that irks me even more. At the extreme opposite end of the relationship spectrum is the complete disrespect of a partner. I see this every day in the way one of my coworkers treats her husband. When he calls her at work, she yells, she smacks, she talks down to him, she gives him instructions like he's hard of understanding, she cuts him off mid-sentence, she scolds him. She has young sons, so a few times I thought she may have been speaking to one of them. Nope, always her husband. One time she started screaming at him though her teeth before realizing that whatever the problem was, it wasn't her husband's fault. When she got off the phone with him, a bolder coworker among us who had also suffered through the loud conversation asked had she planned to apologize to her poor husband for the misunderstanding. She flatly responded, "no."

Now, I don't know the details of their home life, but I can't imagine it's much different from what's portrayed in their daily phone conversations. And I'm no Dr. Phil, but I'd say that essentially cutting your husband's manhood off every time you talk to him is a disastrous look for the marriage. She even jokes sometimes that she has 3 children at home, adding her husband into the count of folks she actually birthed. Not cute. And, ya know, he may truly be hard of understanding, but why marry someone you feel like you have to raise, not to mention emasculate in the process? It's that type of treatment at home that some men use as their excuse to do unsavory things, which in turn causes their women to lead the infamous "all men are dogs" chant. A vicious cycle.

The line between Porsha Stewart and the Man Emasculator may be thin, but we have to learn to walk it. Find the balance. Every relationship should have just as much room for unity and mutual respect as it does for individuality. That's the only way to grow, both as separate, free-thinking individuals, as well as a strong couple.

But, hey, I'm just one opinion. What's your take, Gems?

Marriage: The Things No One Told Me

"Everybody knows the only person looking for a husband is somebody that ain't never had one, honey, because it's more work than what you think it is." - Phaedra Parks

Speak Truth Phaedra!!

I can honestly say that I love my husband more than anyone on this earth. I would not trade him for the world but that does not mean that we don't have our days when we miss the single life. It's nice to have someone to come home too, someone on your team, and someone to share that ups and downs in life with.

However, there is another side...

• Before marriage no one tells you that
• He doesn't pick up his socks
• Video games are not just for kids
• He is blind to the dishes in the sink
• Home decor is the last thing on his mind - paint a room pink if you want his attention
• You may not get a "Thank You" for the meal that took you all day to prepare

Got more? Please comment below!

Dear Gemstones, "Is it time to leave him?"

Dear Gemstones,

Thank you in advance for listening. I feel like I can't turn to my friends right now because they will judge me instead of helping me. I have been dating this guy (Rick) for about 7 years now. We have had some issues on and of but we always seem to find our way back together. This past Valentine's Day he promised to take me out to dinner - due to our work schedules we don't get a lot of date nites. Anyway, I was very excited. I bought a new dress, got my hair done, and had a few girlfriends over to help me get pretty. Long story short - he never showed and never called. I was utterly embarrassed. The next day his excuse was that he was doing something for his mom and couldn't get away and his phone died. I know he does a lot for his mom but I am really at my wits end with dealing with his crap.

Please help!