A Million First Dates

In a thread of tweets I scanned the other day, a few women were venting about how much they hate the "getting to know you" phase of relationships. I can relate. I've been on a whole heap of dates in my 30-something years of life and I can't think of many situations more awkward than sitting in a restaurant on a first or second date, playing 20 Questions.

What's your favorite color? What do you do for a living? Where did you grow up? How long have you been in [insert city]? Do you have siblings? Are your parents still together?

I'll pass.

What I've realized in recent years, though, is that "phase" never ends. Sure, we eventually get past the stage of back-to-back superficial questions that are asked as sad attempts to avoid the dreaded silence in the beginning. But if we do it right, we can spend a lifetime getting to know our partners. The quirks, the likes and dislikes. More things to love — or not — about your mate.

I was thinking about all this the other day when I realized something "quirky" about The Boo: Instead of saying, "you look nice" or "I like that dress on you" or whatever, he'll say something like, "Look at you with your little dress on" or "you got your rock-star shirt on, huh?" It took me a while to realize this is his oddball way of giving me "compliments." And that's just one simple example of the new things I learn or become conscious of about him every day. Some I love, others ... eh. But I love the journey. Becoming aware of things even as simple a his delivery of compliments heightens our understanding of each other and helps us communicate better.

It's a deeper adventure that makes suffering through all those first-date surface questions well-worth it.

Control vs. Respect: Where Do You Draw the Line?

I was watching a few back-to-back episodes of "The Real Housewives of Atlanta" the other day and the relationship of one of the characters (yes, I know it's a "reality" show, but I still call them characters) made my backside itch. If you think I'm talking about Kenya and her delusional situation with Walter, you're wrong. I'm talking about Porsha and her marriage to Kordell. From her not being allowed to have business meetings at home in his absence to him granting her "permission" to go to L.A. with the girls — it all just screams "way too controlling." Sure, I get it: Respect your husband, let him lead, etc. I'm all for that. But Porsha takes it to new heights. She already lacks her own identity. From what I've seen, it's all tied to the recognition, accomplishments of others (she's the granddaughter of ... the wife of ...) — fertile ground for the likes of controlling men. And the notion that allowing herself to be that controlled is somehow respect for her man is a complete fallacy.

But as bad as Porsha and Kordell's dictatorship of a marriage makes me want to scratch, there's another type of relationship that irks me even more. At the extreme opposite end of the relationship spectrum is the complete disrespect of a partner. I see this every day in the way one of my coworkers treats her husband. When he calls her at work, she yells, she smacks, she talks down to him, she gives him instructions like he's hard of understanding, she cuts him off mid-sentence, she scolds him. She has young sons, so a few times I thought she may have been speaking to one of them. Nope, always her husband. One time she started screaming at him though her teeth before realizing that whatever the problem was, it wasn't her husband's fault. When she got off the phone with him, a bolder coworker among us who had also suffered through the loud conversation asked had she planned to apologize to her poor husband for the misunderstanding. She flatly responded, "no."

Now, I don't know the details of their home life, but I can't imagine it's much different from what's portrayed in their daily phone conversations. And I'm no Dr. Phil, but I'd say that essentially cutting your husband's manhood off every time you talk to him is a disastrous look for the marriage. She even jokes sometimes that she has 3 children at home, adding her husband into the count of folks she actually birthed. Not cute. And, ya know, he may truly be hard of understanding, but why marry someone you feel like you have to raise, not to mention emasculate in the process? It's that type of treatment at home that some men use as their excuse to do unsavory things, which in turn causes their women to lead the infamous "all men are dogs" chant. A vicious cycle.

The line between Porsha Stewart and the Man Emasculator may be thin, but we have to learn to walk it. Find the balance. Every relationship should have just as much room for unity and mutual respect as it does for individuality. That's the only way to grow, both as separate, free-thinking individuals, as well as a strong couple.

But, hey, I'm just one opinion. What's your take, Gems?

Marriage: The Things No One Told Me

"Everybody knows the only person looking for a husband is somebody that ain't never had one, honey, because it's more work than what you think it is." - Phaedra Parks

Speak Truth Phaedra!!

I can honestly say that I love my husband more than anyone on this earth. I would not trade him for the world but that does not mean that we don't have our days when we miss the single life. It's nice to have someone to come home too, someone on your team, and someone to share that ups and downs in life with.

However, there is another side...

• Before marriage no one tells you that
• He doesn't pick up his socks
• Video games are not just for kids
• He is blind to the dishes in the sink
• Home decor is the last thing on his mind - paint a room pink if you want his attention
• You may not get a "Thank You" for the meal that took you all day to prepare

Got more? Please comment below!

Ladies, Is This All You Need To Be Happy?

Recipe For A Happy Wife

Ingredient List:
Love
Honesty
Support
Patience
Respect
Trust
Joy
Faith
Sex

Directions:

1. Begin with love. She’ll want your unconditionally, even on her worst days.
2. Trust in her and the decisions she makes with and for you and herself. No wife wants to feel like you’re suspicious of her thoughts and actions. If you want her trust you must give her yours.
3. Have faith in your marriage and your future together. Not believing in your success as a unite is the fastest way to put a frown on her wife.
4. Share your joy with her and make sure she has her own to share. A healthy relationship needs happiness as much as it needs love. Consider it the oxygen and water she’ll need to survive the hardest of days.

Read the rest of the list at: A Homemade Recipe for A Happy Wife

Sound Off! 

Do you think this list is complete or is there something you would like to add? 

"To be loved, to be loved! Oh, what a feeling, To be loved!"

This past weekend I saw my husbands love for me really put into action. He tells me loves me often, buys me gifts, and does things for me without being asked - I know he loves me. However, last weekend was different.

While on our journey of trying to conceive (TTC) we found out that my tubes were jacked all up and down. They were useless - yes "were." I had surgery to have them completely removed so that we can proceed with IVF.

Throughout the entire process my husband never left my side. When I was discharged to go home he truly catered to me and did every and anything he could to make me feel better. I have not had anyone care for me that much since I was a child and I had the flu. My heart was bursting with love.

This entire ordeal has caused me to see my husband in a different light. He is an awesome man and I know he will be an awesome father. We have talked more than once about his role as the man of our home. His duties include being my protector, my provider, and loving me unconditional. He is my Boaz. I appreciate him greatly for taking his role seriously.

Ladies, when you are looking for a man to settle down with, it is qualities like these that matter. As women, we spend so much time nurturing and caring for others but what happens when we are the ones that need nurturing?

When was the last time you were shown TRUE love? 

Talk about it.

Post title: Lyrics from "To Be Loved" by Jackie Wilson

I'm Angry....

...nobody better get in my way.

I'm 30 and trying to live saved.
I'm 30 and trying to start a family.
I'm 30 and trying to find a career I can be proud of having
I'm 30 and not where I thought I would be....

Together, all those things are making me an angry person.

I love God, I really do but it seems like I am the only one in my age group that doesn't want to live for the things of this world. This makes for some very lonely days and nights and situations where I find myself backsliding badly. I have my husband but what about girlfriend time. I don't need to curse to have a conversations, I don't want to attend secular concerts and events, and I like to do things that uplift people. Good clean fun.

When I was younger the only things I really wanted in life was to be a wife and mom. I'm a wife but due to infertility issues outside of my control my blessing of being a mother is delayed (I'm praying that it's not denied). It seems that everyday someone new in my life is pregnant - talk about a slap in the face. I try to be truly happy for them but I'm angry - angry at myself. Then listening to parents complain about their children drives me insane - people do not appreciate what they have until it is taken from them. I have to bite my tongue and walk away from those conversations.

For 6+ years I have been stuck in this glass ceiling job. There is nowhere to go and the worst part is that I don't even want to be in this field. I took the job out of desperation and fear of not being able to pay my bills. Now I feel stuck. I am trying to get back into the field in which I went to school for but in this economy jobs are hard to obtain. I thought about doing my own thing but I am clueless about what I can do well enough to get paid for doing. I feel lost.

All of this contributes to me not being where I thought I would be in life at age 30. That alone is enough to make me want to punch a wall. Still, I try to focus on my blessings that the things that are going well in my life. It's hard but it is something that I must do in order to maintain my sanity. At the end of the day I still find myself angry. Things need to change soon - I must get to work. Please pray for me.

Dear Gemstones: Sexually Unsatisfied

Dear Gemstones,

My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years. Until a year ago our sex life was hot and heavy. We always were creative in the bedroom and both were very satisfied with the sex life. In the last year the sex with my husband has hit rock bottom. No more spontaneous sex, no "creativity" with the sex, and he only last about 15 good minutes. We have talked about the problem and his answer is I should be more patient with him. Well my patience has about ran out. I even suggested he go see a doctor to make sure nothing medical is going on. His ego has not allowed him to make the appointment. I do have toys that I use to please myself but I didn't marry a toy... I want my husband. I don't want our lack of sex to end our marriage, but I am not sure if I can continue in a marriage when I am not pleased sexually.

Please help!!
Sexually Unsatisfied



* If you would like to submit a letter to the Gemstones for advice. Email them with the subject "Dear Gemstones". *

Build Up Your Mate

A while back I read an article online that really made me check myself as a mate. One thing that always stays on my mind is whether or not I am being a helpmeet or a quarrelsome wife. I learned a while ago that the best way to "train" my husband is with my actions. The better I am, the better he acts (I know this doesn't work in all situations).

The article I read describes ways in which I could use my words and actions to build up my husband instead of using them to tear him down.

Here are six ways we can start building up our husbands today:
1. Listen to what he has to say so that you will recognize what's on his heart.
2. Make an effort to be as cheerful as you were when you were engaged to be married.
3. Ignore his faults and focus on his strong points by taking note of them.
4. Compliment him for the way that he looks and the good things that he does like working hard for the family.
5. See him for who he is, not who you want him to be.
6. Be slow to anger. Relay your frustration with love, respect, and a cool head.

Honestly, I can say that I do most of those things fairly well but I am FAR from perfect. There are times where I slip  up and I don't listen to him. Days pass when I don't tell him "thank you" for the things that he does without asking. The worst for me is "slow to anger," when I get angry it's loud, quick, and over the top. I am still working on that and I do believe that I am on the road to improvement since I can recognize that this is an issue.

I challenge you right now to think of some a few ways that you acknowledge and build up your mate. I'll start:

Dear Husband,
Thank you for being the type of man that will go to work and work hard each day to provide.
Thank you for getting up at 3am to let the dog out.
Thank you for making me laugh in the middle of my flowing tears.
You are sexy!
Thank you for still trying to charm me like you did when we were dating.
Thank you most of all for not being perfect because of that, I know that you do not expect me to be perfect.

See the article here: 6 Ways To Build Up Our Husbands


♥Emerald

Two become one, but do you have to share everything?

OK, let me tackle this one from the recent post, “Thirty Things Every Woman Should Have and Should Know by the Time She is 30": 8. “An email address, a voice mailbox, and a bank account -- all of which nobody has access to but you.”

Yep, “... two become one,” but does that mean you have to share EVERYTHING? 
I don’t think so.

I’ve had my own bank account since I was a teenager. And now, at the age of 31 and nearly five years into marriage, I still have my own bank account. Sure, hubs and I have joint accounts, which we use for household expenses, miscellaneous purchases and joint savings, but we both believe that it’s perfectly OK for married couples to have their own bank accounts.

Why? Because we feel that one of the keys to a happy and successful marriage is accepting (and embracing) the fact that you do not have to control everything! In fact, adopting that idea will make your life easier. I’ve been told plenty of times that this is “wrong,” but hey, it works for us. And as an added benefit, we don’t argue over money.

But if you think that’s good, I’ve got my own passwords, too!

Look … between work, school and my personal life, I have way too many passwords to remember -- all of which carry their own set of demands. Yes, “demands,” because password creation tops my list of annoyances with the Internet … in addition to some of the people of course, but you get it. Think about it. They’ve gotta have a certain amount of characters, numbers, uppercase letters, lowercase letters, “special” characters, spaces … and the list goes on. Heck, I have to change my passwords for work every thirty days! 

So let’s be realistic for a second – at times we have both shared passwords to email, social media and other sites. Some we remember, some we don’t … but nobody has a spreadsheet going over here. 'Cause in the words of Sweet Brown: “Ain’t nobody got time for that!”

The most important thing is that we’ll both hand over phones and passwords at any moment. It has happened plenty of times for various reasons – whether it’s because our own battery is dead, or we need a favor, or because I need to make a call and I don’t feel like going upstairs to get my phone (I won’t put that one on him, just me).

It’s not about keeping secrets, or maintaining “control” over certain aspects of your life.
I believe that by the age of thirty, a woman should be secure enough, mature enough, and wise enough to receive and give others the space, freedom and trust that is deserved. I don't want to be with someone who has to have access to EVERYTHING.

“For the pillars of the temple stand apart … And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.” - Kahlil Gibran

So where do you stand? Should couples share everything? 

People Are Watching You

This is odd; folks are coming to me for relationship advice. Really? Let me explain to you why I am shocked. Throughout my life was never into relationship games, was never bothered about being single, and I used my single days to observe a lot. So when friends would come to me crying over relationship drama I would reach into my bag of observance and give the best advice possible. What did I get in response? Looks of “she has no idea what she is talking about.” Years later, I am extremely happily married and these same folks are still single and dealing with “drama.” I am not rejoicing in their pain nor am I bragging. I am only telling this background information in an attempt to explain why a person asking me for advice was weird.

When we got married, my husband and I agreed that our marriage was between two people and if any issues should arise that the entire block and all of twitter should know about it. We promised each other that we would communicate. In my opinion we have done a great job in keeping it that way. I will admit that we do both have our people that we vent to and go to for advice however; those individuals understand that we are in love and are just frustrated with situations not each other (there is a difference – I’ll touch on that in another post).

Moving on…recently, a number of friends asked me my thoughts and advice on their relationship situations. If it was not for the fact that these people are all in different circles I would have thought it was a set up. I was honored and humble to be made aware that there are people out there watching our marriage. It is typical to hear the bad things about marriage but what about the good? If you are married or on the way, always remember that those looking to be in your shoes are watching. Are you being the role model that you would want to have?

A happy marriage is a jigsaw puzzle that two people build each day… When both partners work lovingly together with the same picture in mind, all the pieces fit beautifully.

- Yvonne and George Levy

Coming Back Home....

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Well, looks like I have somehow found my way back to blogging. Throughout college blogging was my therapy. A way in which I found my way through what I now recognize to be an emotionally abusive relationship. I guess it is not so remarkable that I find myself back to blogging during what has been one of the most emotional periods of my life.

I'm blessed to have a wonderful husband, a healthy extended family, a great career but there is one thing missing. One thing that I can't control. A baby. Over the last year and half, my husband I have set out on the journey having our first child. In the beginning, I was filled with joy and excitement at the prospect of this new experience. By month eight, the excitement had worn off and panic had set in. To make matters worse, discussing my fears with friends has proven nearly impossible. I've found it hard to find people who can relate. Many of my friends are just simply in different stages of their lives than I am. After months of medications and tests (that all came back normal) we have started seeing a fertility specialist. I can't fully explain my emotions around having to turn to a specialist. I'm consistently a mix of excitement, worry and shame. Shame. Yep. Shame. If one more nurse or doctor tells me that all of my test are normal or ideal, I might scream. I'm ashamed that this seemingly normal body cant produce a child for my husband. I am one hundred percent aware that this pressure is self inflicted, as the man in my life has been nothing short of supportive.

With this new chapter of infertility, I recognize that this is a time for me to grow as an individual and to stand firm in my faith...even when it seems impossible. It is a daily battle to not let negative thoughts consume me, but I truly believe god is preparing me to be ready for a baby. God knows I'll need all the patience I can get. Honestly, this is probably the first time in my entire life that something that I want is completely out of my control...and it's killing me.

The month of December begins a crucial turn in our journey, as we attempt our first treatment with the specialist. I'm focused on remaining positive, calm and prayed up. I have promised myself that every time I think about a baby, I'll stop and pray. I will allow myself to cry when necessary, as I believe that crying is therapeutic. I vow to only surround myself with individuals who are supportive, positive and respectful (more than anything) of what what my husband and I are dealing with. Above anything else, I am focused on not letting infertility drive a wedge between my husband I, as I know in my heart this rough patch is only going to make our union stronger.

xoxo
Ruby