Relationships

Relationships come in many forms. Family, friends, romantic, professional, and so on. Over my 30 years I have learned that I have different relationships and connections with each person in my life. From my child to my mom to my best friend to my sibling. I have also learned that most relationships change over time. Some times the changing of a person involved in a relationship cause it to change or even become strained. I noticed in the last few years I fight to maintain relationships with people. I guess this is not a problem but there is a limit to how much fight one should put in. I can look back on situations where I fought far too hard for someone to stay in my life. I had to realize a few things. One is it takes two people to have a relationship and it takes both parties being willing to work at it to make it work. Second I realized that I can't be the only one fighting or wanting to fix the issues. Third is how it is ok to let someone leave my life or remove them from it.

This is easier said than done when the person is someone you are close to or have a long history with. Most recently I put space between me and a friend whose relationship became strained. They began communicating less and their life took a new turn that I did not fully agree with. After placing the space in the relationship I felt better but missed them. They were a good friend of mine and had been for almost a decade. We kept in contact but it was not on the level it use to be. Thanks to social networks it is easy to be in "contact" with someone without really contacting them. The few times we were around each other this friend continued to show me they changed and not for the better. It hurt me to see them in a dark place and allowing things in their life that was not good. I noticed a change in my moods when I would spend time with this friend. It was like their mess was bringing me down. Weighing my heart down and reducing my energy. I decided that more space was needed.

Over time things have improved. I feel they are getting their happiness back. I am slowly reducing the space I placed between us. I am very happy about this because I did not want them to leave my life. Having positive reciprocal relationships in my life are important to me. I can do bad by myself! I do not need anyone in my life who will consistently bring me down. I hope that this relationship continues to improve, but will have to accept if it does not and has to end.

In Love vs Love

This is quoted words from a conversation between five professional 30 year old woman about being in love versus loving. These women are in various levels of relationships, from single to married.

A:

What is y'all opinion about loving someone and being in love with someone? Relationship wise. Every time I listen to Lauryn Hill I think about this.

B:

You mean like is there a difference between the two?

A:

Yea and what is enough to keep a relationship going? When we were younger I get it didn't really matter but at this age, I think understanding the difference is more important.

C:

I agree with understanding the difference. I think love is a feeling... it can be for anyone not just a Boo. In love is a deeper connection.

B:

I think if you are in a relationship then you are in love with that person. Otherwise I don't see how it progressed into a relationship. I do think that love can change as a person changes and the relationship changes

C:
A deep romantic love!

A:

I'm constantly getting questions around that topic from my single friends but it's hard to explain. For me it was a feeling. I've had love for past relationships but my husband is the only person I have ever felt like I was in love with. Like he is really a part of me that I need to survive.

C:

I think there are levels like "B" said... even to being in love with someone.

A:

I def agree with levels. Some guys I have liked more than others. Some I have questioned their existence.

A:

I think that liking someone plays a big role in loving. I can love everyone but I don't like them

C:

I have been in love and I have loved. There is a HUGE difference! I have a self preservation thing inside of me though. At some point that will trump in love and love for anyone. Every thing we love or are in love with is not good for us!!!

A:

You have to love yourself first. Protect your heart.

C:

Yeeeessssss. But for some women... well even men... loving someone else means forgetting about loving themself.

A:

In my experience, that won't work for long. My husband used to get so upset with me over that. When I didn't love myself, he didn't want to be around me. I get it now.

C:

That can be a dangerous line because the person with low self-love or self-esteem could start feeling dependent on the love from the other person.

A:

That is exactly what happened , I was draining him emotionally.

C:

My ex husband was like that. He took any disagreement we had to mean I did not love him anymore.

D:

I think there is a great difference. Love has many sides.... It is not black n white and everyone shows and receives it differenty. I think it goes from like.... to love.... to in love. I think its gradual... not instantaneous. I think like makes you want a relationship. Love opens the door of bonding and vulnerability. But in love steps in when all hell has broken loose but you fight to make it work anyway.

C:

I think in love is when you accept the person faults AND annoyances. Cause before that you are still giving them the side eye. Like "You do what?"

E:

I agree with all of y'all. There's really not much for me to add. Expect love not only makes you accept flaws it makes you sometimes overlook them altogether.

A:

Overlook? Naw...I still see that ish!

C:

lol I'm with "A". I SEE it! I just don't flip out or get the itch of annoyance or irritation.

D:

"E" you are right about overlooking.....or explaining away their flaws.

E:

I mean, it's like that saying, "nobody's perfect until you fall in love with them"

A:

I get that, but I love my husband because he isn't perfect. His imperfections make him perfect for me.

C:

To me a person's flaws makes them who they are.

A:

If he was perfect I would feel the need to be perfect then I would be miserable

C:
I agree completely "A". It is the full package of them that makes me love them and fall in love with them. 

Do you agree with one these women? Disagree?
Do you think there is a difference between loving and being in love? What do you feel is different?

A Million First Dates

In a thread of tweets I scanned the other day, a few women were venting about how much they hate the "getting to know you" phase of relationships. I can relate. I've been on a whole heap of dates in my 30-something years of life and I can't think of many situations more awkward than sitting in a restaurant on a first or second date, playing 20 Questions.

What's your favorite color? What do you do for a living? Where did you grow up? How long have you been in [insert city]? Do you have siblings? Are your parents still together?

I'll pass.

What I've realized in recent years, though, is that "phase" never ends. Sure, we eventually get past the stage of back-to-back superficial questions that are asked as sad attempts to avoid the dreaded silence in the beginning. But if we do it right, we can spend a lifetime getting to know our partners. The quirks, the likes and dislikes. More things to love — or not — about your mate.

I was thinking about all this the other day when I realized something "quirky" about The Boo: Instead of saying, "you look nice" or "I like that dress on you" or whatever, he'll say something like, "Look at you with your little dress on" or "you got your rock-star shirt on, huh?" It took me a while to realize this is his oddball way of giving me "compliments." And that's just one simple example of the new things I learn or become conscious of about him every day. Some I love, others ... eh. But I love the journey. Becoming aware of things even as simple a his delivery of compliments heightens our understanding of each other and helps us communicate better.

It's a deeper adventure that makes suffering through all those first-date surface questions well-worth it.

Love Life vs. Work Life

"Every relationship has its ups and downs."

Cliche.

But I don't think I've ever known anything so trite to ring more true than in this moment of my life. 
I've been in a relationship for going on two years now. He's my heart, for sure. Long before we became lovers, we were friends and he's had my back through some seriously trying times. It's impossible for me to imagine life without him in my corner. That's why this place we're in right now in our relationship is so frustrating. I don't want to say I'm at a crossroads, but it's definitely a "down" phase.

Here's the deal. About six months ago, Mr. Man took a demanding, high-stress job. It requires that he work a regular schedule, plus be on call 24/7. He literally lives — yes, I'm talkin' house on the premises — at his job. That means most of the time we spend together consists of stolen moments we hope won't be interrupted by a phone call that pulls him away. Before taking this job, I should add, he was a freelancing "creative," making his own schedule and setting aside plenty of time for us. I loved it. Now, all of our plans are penciled in, subject to change or be canceled altogether. If I should say so myself, I've adjusted well to the shift. If he has to leave in the middle of dinner, I roll with it. Rain checks for planned date nights? I take them in stride and wait patiently to cash them in. I'm easy-breezy and far from the needy girl I used to be, so I can live without us being stuck under each other all the time. Plus, he still calls multiple times a day and every night to "tuck me in," if we aren't together.

The problem lately — actually, the first real problem we've had since we've been together — has been his unavailability during a couple times I've really needed him, like the car-related semi-emergency I had the other day. Now, I wasn't hurt or stranded on the side of the road, but I needed him nonetheless and he promised to help me handle the situation. The time came and he wasn't there. Why? Because his job called, of course. Seemed to me a fine time for him to delegate the job need to someone else, drop everything and come help his lady, but no. He's so afraid to make a misstep at work — since he hasn't been there a whole year yet —that he feels he has to do everything himself, rather than trusting his staff to handle some tasks. It irks me, and I'm gradually running out of patience. Canceling dinner plans is one thing, missing in action when I really need him is just frustrating and it's putting a strain on our relationship. Sure, I can tell he gets genuinely disappointed in himself when he knows he's disappointed me. And he bends over backward to fix it, apologize and make me happy after the fact. Try as he might to make things up to me, though, the fact remains that I needed him and he wasn't there. And the key is to get it right the first time so you don't have to pull out all the "I'm sorry" tricks to make up for it later.

I don't expect to be put before his job at all times; we're not married, have no children. And if he loses said job there ain't a bill I can pay for him. I just want him to find a balance and soon. A large part of romantic relationships — any relationship really — is knowing that you can count on the other person, and I feel like we're losing our footing a little on that. I've expressed this to him and he seems receptive and understanding of the importance, so hopefully we'll find it soon.

Say "I'm Sorry"

I'm sorry...I apologize...My mistake...

Two word statements that are extremely hard for so many to say. Why is it that sometimes our pride is so strong that we find it difficult to apologize when we are truly in the wrong? Sometimes you don't even have to be in the wrong to apologize, you could say I'm sorry for the way that you responded when someone wrongs you.

Admitting to a wrong really does take a strong person and I feel that it makes one even stronger when that apology tears downs walls and weakens the other person's anger. Apologizing is one of those few races where it seems no one wants to be first. As for me, I like to live a happy life. I apologize and forgive because it makes my heart happy.

Are your relationships more important than your ego? 

Do you owe someone an apology for something that happened between you two? 

What are you waiting for? Be a better person and start today.

If you need some motivation to take that first step to saying I'm sorry, think about in the extreme. How would you feel if that person's life was taken away at this very moment? Would your ego still matter as much?