Question of the Day (QOTD)

Every week one of the Gemstones will post a QOTD that all the other Gemstones are encouraged to answer and answer honestly. Some questions will be rated G others may be rated R, so make sure that you are subscribed and/or following 30s & Life so that you can also join the fun. We can't wait to see your answers!

♥Emerald

If money was no object, what ONE thing that you would love to get for Christmas?

30 Things Every BLACK Woman Should Have and Know By 30

Since the publication of "30 Things Every Woman Should Have and Should Know by the Time She is 30" by the esteemed editors of Glamour, opinions, declarations, and even counter lists have emerged addressing this guide book. I haven't personally read it though. (I'm already in my 30s and don't want or need the headache of understanding why I haven't accomplished [whether by choice or circumstance] something yet and why that something would make me feel complete/accomplished.lol No, but really, I just haven't taken the time to read it yet.) The list itself has existed for years and is enough to convince many women (even stubborn me) to reevaluate their lives and/or affirm that they are indeed living their lives fully.

Interesting enough, Essence released it's own list of "30 Things" (truth or a little friendly magazine rivalry...hmm?)...for the Black woman. Now, I must say, as a Black woman who didn't grow up with access to certain information and opportunities, I never considered that Glamour's list may not totally apply to me...until I read the below list from Essence. Now, although Essence is reputable and geared towards people who look like me, I won't make the common mistake of agreeing with everything stated simply because they're "black" (just like I didn't agree with all of the items in Glamour's list simply because I'm a woman).

(Okay, seriously...this is not a battle of the lists...lol)

1. A song that immediately lifts her spirits or takes her back to a special, stress-free time, no matter where she is.

I think ALL women need this. As a matter of fact, I have a genre of music that I listen to when I need my spirits lifted. (Don't ask which one. This is not a post for y'all to laugh at my expense.)

2. A polite, diplomatic way of putting someone in check and a taste of sister girl attitude when diplomacy just won’t cut it.

I underlined the key words of this "must". By the time a Black woman is 30, she needs to be able to NOT be distasteful and physically combative just to get her point across. 

3. A favorite moisturizer, a favorite hair product and a favorite recipe in case she has to cook something impressive (or a favorite bakery or restaurant to pick it up from).

Okay, can we add "the ABILITY to cook" here? Not liking to cook is one thing, but not to be able to do it is embarrassing. Cooking lessons, better yet...a cookbook, aren't expensive.

4. A tool set, a car jack and a refusal to be anybody’s damsel in distress

Amen! :: finger snaps in a circle ::

5. The willingness and resolve to let it go, whatever “it” is

6. Spiritual grounding and a prayer and meditation war closet to sneak off to when life hands her chaos

7. A signature dance and a motivational saying

For nos. 5 - 7, I must agree. These are things that don't cost one cent but are worth more than gold.

8. A hot pick-up line—you know, in case she ever needs or wants to use it

Eh...I wouldn't know about this since I'm an old married hag. But even if I wasn't, :: shrugs :: I don't get why I would still need this by 30. Maybe it was just a number filler.

9. Dreams and the dogged desire to protect them, even from the people closest to her

Sadly, I find this to be true. One would be amazed at who that first person would be to kill that dream as soon as you share it.

10. A greater appreciation for her mother. Not necessarily a greater understanding, but at least a greater appreciation

The truth in all of it's glory! I may often refer to my mother as a whack job, I appreciate her more now than I ever have. Because of her...because of what I learned from her (either directly or indirectly), I am the woman I am today.

11. The ability to small talk in any social circle and a two-step to do at office parties and conservative social events

Yeah, if you can't do this by 30, just go ahead and rescue a few cats, purchase a kerosene heater from a flea market, and confine yourself to a rocking chair. Congratulations—you are officially an old hermit. 

12. An appreciation for Black men, even if she never wants to date, marry or sleep with one

13. An awareness that racism still exists but it’s no excuse for settling

14. An awareness that there’s no excuse for settling. Period

Two thumbs up and a back bend for nos. 12 - 14.

15. A body shaper, a good push-up bra and a sense of humor

Must haves REGARDLESS of ethnicity. As a woman, these things WILL transform your image for the better.

16. Empathy for every Black woman's experience, even if her walk hasn't looked remotely similar

I struggle with this one. Sorry. I just can't "empathize" with anything that I have never been through and can't relate.

17. Confidence in knowing that having a man and children are part of the African-American dream, but they don’t have to be part of her African-American dream

Very true. 

18. A passport, because she should never be caught unprepared should an opportunity to travel arise

Right. Purchasing one will NOT break you. Hmph...some Black women spend more on their purses and shoes.

19. The humility to apologize without prompting, prodding or any lingering aftereffects

THANK YOU!

20. A financial plan, even if she only has $20 to her name

I couldn't agree with this more. As a matter of fact, let's add good credit to this. No excuses. By the age of 30, you should know better. I understand that things happen, but by 30, you should at least KNOW about good credit, how to obtain it, and strive for it.

21. One thing that reminds her of being a little girl and invites her to feel playful, even if her childhood wasn’t the greatest

I guess. I don't have this, but I didn't have a terrible childhood either.

22. At least one cause or issue she feels passionate enough to debate (or argue) about

Right, because if you're not that passionate about anything by the time you're 30, you clearly haven't lived yet.

23. A good pair of black heels, a button-down white shirt and a get ‘em girl dress that makes her look like a brickhouse and feel like Beyoncé

I don't know about feeling like Beyoncé (:: waits for tomatoes to be thrown as I'm not a die-hard fan :: ), but a good pair of black heels, a button-down white shirt, and a get 'em girl dress WILL make you feel like you are DA SHIT.

24. A list of things that she wants in a house, a career and a spouse and a list of things she absolutely can’t compromise on

Definitely.

25. Peace about being different and respect for what makes her that way

26. An appreciation for diversity, both in and outside of the diaspora

27. At least three things she can love and dote on herself about that have nothing to do with what she sees in the mirror

28. An understanding that not everyone is going to like her, but that everyone has got to respect her

29. The personal freedom to make choices without justifying them to her parents, her siblings or anybody else for that matter

Nos. 25 - 29 are things I will never disagree on. Open your eyes my fellow Black women; receive, accept, and embrace them.

30. A few secrets to hold on to and drop when she gets old

Never thought about this, but I think I owe it to myself to honor No. 30. Those who are close to me, be scared. Be vewy, vewy scared. :: evil laugh ::

Build Up Your Mate

A while back I read an article online that really made me check myself as a mate. One thing that always stays on my mind is whether or not I am being a helpmeet or a quarrelsome wife. I learned a while ago that the best way to "train" my husband is with my actions. The better I am, the better he acts (I know this doesn't work in all situations).

The article I read describes ways in which I could use my words and actions to build up my husband instead of using them to tear him down.

Here are six ways we can start building up our husbands today:
1. Listen to what he has to say so that you will recognize what's on his heart.
2. Make an effort to be as cheerful as you were when you were engaged to be married.
3. Ignore his faults and focus on his strong points by taking note of them.
4. Compliment him for the way that he looks and the good things that he does like working hard for the family.
5. See him for who he is, not who you want him to be.
6. Be slow to anger. Relay your frustration with love, respect, and a cool head.

Honestly, I can say that I do most of those things fairly well but I am FAR from perfect. There are times where I slip  up and I don't listen to him. Days pass when I don't tell him "thank you" for the things that he does without asking. The worst for me is "slow to anger," when I get angry it's loud, quick, and over the top. I am still working on that and I do believe that I am on the road to improvement since I can recognize that this is an issue.

I challenge you right now to think of some a few ways that you acknowledge and build up your mate. I'll start:

Dear Husband,
Thank you for being the type of man that will go to work and work hard each day to provide.
Thank you for getting up at 3am to let the dog out.
Thank you for making me laugh in the middle of my flowing tears.
You are sexy!
Thank you for still trying to charm me like you did when we were dating.
Thank you most of all for not being perfect because of that, I know that you do not expect me to be perfect.

See the article here: 6 Ways To Build Up Our Husbands


♥Emerald

Dear Gemstones: Confused In Love

On Thursdays the Gemstones will answer letters sent in. Today's letter is from Confused in Love.

Dear Gemstones,

I am 31 yrs old, not married, no kids, and confused. I have a boyfriend - our situation is complicated  but we are together in a sense. I have been with him for 5 yrs. We have seen other people meet and get married during this time. I feel like I am living a real life soap opera. I want to be married, I want kids, and I want to be happy. I don't have any of that.

Long story short. I have caught my present "man" multiple times being unfaithful. When I try to leave him, he won't go and I must be in love because I won't leave him alone. It has gotten so bad that he has a baby on the way with another woman. I guess I have hopes that he will change and make me an honest woman. My friends have been telling me for years to leave him alone. My situation as actually chased some friends away, but that just makes me ask if they were ever real friends at all.

I don't know what to do. Do I stay with him and risk missing out on things I want? Or do I leave and try to find happy with someone new? If it works with him I will be more than happy.

Please help,
Confused in Love

If you would like to submit a letter to the Gemstones for advice. Email them with the subject "Dear Gemstones".

Two become one, but do you have to share everything?

OK, let me tackle this one from the recent post, “Thirty Things Every Woman Should Have and Should Know by the Time She is 30": 8. “An email address, a voice mailbox, and a bank account -- all of which nobody has access to but you.”

Yep, “... two become one,” but does that mean you have to share EVERYTHING? 
I don’t think so.

I’ve had my own bank account since I was a teenager. And now, at the age of 31 and nearly five years into marriage, I still have my own bank account. Sure, hubs and I have joint accounts, which we use for household expenses, miscellaneous purchases and joint savings, but we both believe that it’s perfectly OK for married couples to have their own bank accounts.

Why? Because we feel that one of the keys to a happy and successful marriage is accepting (and embracing) the fact that you do not have to control everything! In fact, adopting that idea will make your life easier. I’ve been told plenty of times that this is “wrong,” but hey, it works for us. And as an added benefit, we don’t argue over money.

But if you think that’s good, I’ve got my own passwords, too!

Look … between work, school and my personal life, I have way too many passwords to remember -- all of which carry their own set of demands. Yes, “demands,” because password creation tops my list of annoyances with the Internet … in addition to some of the people of course, but you get it. Think about it. They’ve gotta have a certain amount of characters, numbers, uppercase letters, lowercase letters, “special” characters, spaces … and the list goes on. Heck, I have to change my passwords for work every thirty days! 

So let’s be realistic for a second – at times we have both shared passwords to email, social media and other sites. Some we remember, some we don’t … but nobody has a spreadsheet going over here. 'Cause in the words of Sweet Brown: “Ain’t nobody got time for that!”

The most important thing is that we’ll both hand over phones and passwords at any moment. It has happened plenty of times for various reasons – whether it’s because our own battery is dead, or we need a favor, or because I need to make a call and I don’t feel like going upstairs to get my phone (I won’t put that one on him, just me).

It’s not about keeping secrets, or maintaining “control” over certain aspects of your life.
I believe that by the age of thirty, a woman should be secure enough, mature enough, and wise enough to receive and give others the space, freedom and trust that is deserved. I don't want to be with someone who has to have access to EVERYTHING.

“For the pillars of the temple stand apart … And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.” - Kahlil Gibran

So where do you stand? Should couples share everything? 

Relationships

Relationships come in many forms. Family, friends, romantic, professional, and so on. Over my 30 years I have learned that I have different relationships and connections with each person in my life. From my child to my mom to my best friend to my sibling. I have also learned that most relationships change over time. Some times the changing of a person involved in a relationship cause it to change or even become strained. I noticed in the last few years I fight to maintain relationships with people. I guess this is not a problem but there is a limit to how much fight one should put in. I can look back on situations where I fought far too hard for someone to stay in my life. I had to realize a few things. One is it takes two people to have a relationship and it takes both parties being willing to work at it to make it work. Second I realized that I can't be the only one fighting or wanting to fix the issues. Third is how it is ok to let someone leave my life or remove them from it.

This is easier said than done when the person is someone you are close to or have a long history with. Most recently I put space between me and a friend whose relationship became strained. They began communicating less and their life took a new turn that I did not fully agree with. After placing the space in the relationship I felt better but missed them. They were a good friend of mine and had been for almost a decade. We kept in contact but it was not on the level it use to be. Thanks to social networks it is easy to be in "contact" with someone without really contacting them. The few times we were around each other this friend continued to show me they changed and not for the better. It hurt me to see them in a dark place and allowing things in their life that was not good. I noticed a change in my moods when I would spend time with this friend. It was like their mess was bringing me down. Weighing my heart down and reducing my energy. I decided that more space was needed.

Over time things have improved. I feel they are getting their happiness back. I am slowly reducing the space I placed between us. I am very happy about this because I did not want them to leave my life. Having positive reciprocal relationships in my life are important to me. I can do bad by myself! I do not need anyone in my life who will consistently bring me down. I hope that this relationship continues to improve, but will have to accept if it does not and has to end.

30 by 30

By now most people have seen Glamour magazine's list of 30 Things Every Woman Should Have and Should Know by the Time She is 30. Our bloggers are going to contribute on this idea. Post their own list and edits or list they have come across on the topic.

As a refresher Glamour's list is below:

By 30, you should have ...

1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you’ve come.

2. A decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.

3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.

4. A purse, a suitcase, and an umbrella you’re not ashamed to be seen carrying.

5. A youth you’re content to move beyond.

6. A past juicy enough that you’re looking forward to retelling it in your old age.

7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age -- and some money set aside to help fund it.

8. An email address, a voice mailbox, and a bank account -- all of which nobody has access to but you.

9. A résumé that is not even the slightest bit padded.

10. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.

11. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra.

12. Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it.

13. The belief that you deserve it.

14. A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine, and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don’t get better after 30.

15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship, and all those other facets of life that do get better.


By 30, you should know ...

1. How to fall in love without losing yourself.

2. How you feel about having kids.

3. How to quit a job, break up with a man, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.

4. When to try harder and when to walk away.

5. How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn’t like to happen next.

6. The names of the secretary of state, your great-grandmothers, and the best tailor in town.

7. How to live alone, even if you don’t like to.

8. Where to go -- be it your best friend’s kitchen table or a yoga mat -- when your soul needs soothing.

9. That you can’t change the length of your legs, the width of your hips, or the nature of your parents.

10. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it’s over.

11. What you would and wouldn’t do for money or love.

12. That nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs, or not flossing for very long.

13. Who you can trust, who you can’t, and why you shouldn’t take it personally.

14. Not to apologize for something that isn’t your fault.

15. Why they say life begins at 30


Do you agree? What do you agree or disagree with?

What is on your list?

~ Gemstone

People Are Watching You

This is odd; folks are coming to me for relationship advice. Really? Let me explain to you why I am shocked. Throughout my life was never into relationship games, was never bothered about being single, and I used my single days to observe a lot. So when friends would come to me crying over relationship drama I would reach into my bag of observance and give the best advice possible. What did I get in response? Looks of “she has no idea what she is talking about.” Years later, I am extremely happily married and these same folks are still single and dealing with “drama.” I am not rejoicing in their pain nor am I bragging. I am only telling this background information in an attempt to explain why a person asking me for advice was weird.

When we got married, my husband and I agreed that our marriage was between two people and if any issues should arise that the entire block and all of twitter should know about it. We promised each other that we would communicate. In my opinion we have done a great job in keeping it that way. I will admit that we do both have our people that we vent to and go to for advice however; those individuals understand that we are in love and are just frustrated with situations not each other (there is a difference – I’ll touch on that in another post).

Moving on…recently, a number of friends asked me my thoughts and advice on their relationship situations. If it was not for the fact that these people are all in different circles I would have thought it was a set up. I was honored and humble to be made aware that there are people out there watching our marriage. It is typical to hear the bad things about marriage but what about the good? If you are married or on the way, always remember that those looking to be in your shoes are watching. Are you being the role model that you would want to have?

A happy marriage is a jigsaw puzzle that two people build each day… When both partners work lovingly together with the same picture in mind, all the pieces fit beautifully.

- Yvonne and George Levy

Coming Back Home....

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Well, looks like I have somehow found my way back to blogging. Throughout college blogging was my therapy. A way in which I found my way through what I now recognize to be an emotionally abusive relationship. I guess it is not so remarkable that I find myself back to blogging during what has been one of the most emotional periods of my life.

I'm blessed to have a wonderful husband, a healthy extended family, a great career but there is one thing missing. One thing that I can't control. A baby. Over the last year and half, my husband I have set out on the journey having our first child. In the beginning, I was filled with joy and excitement at the prospect of this new experience. By month eight, the excitement had worn off and panic had set in. To make matters worse, discussing my fears with friends has proven nearly impossible. I've found it hard to find people who can relate. Many of my friends are just simply in different stages of their lives than I am. After months of medications and tests (that all came back normal) we have started seeing a fertility specialist. I can't fully explain my emotions around having to turn to a specialist. I'm consistently a mix of excitement, worry and shame. Shame. Yep. Shame. If one more nurse or doctor tells me that all of my test are normal or ideal, I might scream. I'm ashamed that this seemingly normal body cant produce a child for my husband. I am one hundred percent aware that this pressure is self inflicted, as the man in my life has been nothing short of supportive.

With this new chapter of infertility, I recognize that this is a time for me to grow as an individual and to stand firm in my faith...even when it seems impossible. It is a daily battle to not let negative thoughts consume me, but I truly believe god is preparing me to be ready for a baby. God knows I'll need all the patience I can get. Honestly, this is probably the first time in my entire life that something that I want is completely out of my control...and it's killing me.

The month of December begins a crucial turn in our journey, as we attempt our first treatment with the specialist. I'm focused on remaining positive, calm and prayed up. I have promised myself that every time I think about a baby, I'll stop and pray. I will allow myself to cry when necessary, as I believe that crying is therapeutic. I vow to only surround myself with individuals who are supportive, positive and respectful (more than anything) of what what my husband and I are dealing with. Above anything else, I am focused on not letting infertility drive a wedge between my husband I, as I know in my heart this rough patch is only going to make our union stronger.

xoxo
Ruby

Sex drive higher than mate's

What do you do when your sex drive is higher than your mate's? Do you complain and nag them? This is my personal favorite! Do you rape or should I say take it from them? This works sometimes. Do you please yourself? This can get old, but is a guaranteed way to get the orgasm you are looking for!

Being horny when your mate isn't, is annoying. Being horny a lot when your mate isn't is highly annoying!!!! I am not saying I never get any. I do not get it as much as I want. I guess it could be worse. It could be never! I just want it more often. Ok ok. I want it a lot more often!

Does sex drives change in men as they get older? If it does, I need to find me a young buck asap. I will use that as my sexual daydream for the rest of the week! Yummmm Maybe the problem is a change in my own sex drive. They say the more you learn your body the more you enjoy sex. Well that is very true! My late twenties and early thirties sex is WAY better than sex when I was younger. Yeah. That's what I am going to blame this on!