Dear Gemstones,
I am 31 yrs old, not married, no kids, and confused. I have a boyfriend - our situation is complicated but we are together in a sense. I have been with him for 5 yrs. We have seen other people meet and get married during this time. I feel like I am living a real life soap opera. I want to be married, I want kids, and I want to be happy. I don't have any of that.
Long story short. I have caught my present "man" multiple times being unfaithful. When I try to leave him, he won't go and I must be in love because I won't leave him alone. It has gotten so bad that he has a baby on the way with another woman. I guess I have hopes that he will change and make me an honest woman. My friends have been telling me for years to leave him alone. My situation as actually chased some friends away, but that just makes me ask if they were ever real friends at all.
I don't know what to do. Do I stay with him and risk missing out on things I want? Or do I leave and try to find happy with someone new? If it works with him I will be more than happy.
Please help,
Confused in Love
If you would like to submit a letter to the Gemstones for advice. Email them with the subject "Dear Gemstones".
Posts
Hi Confused In Love,
ReplyDeleteFirst, I want to point out the words you used "I want to be married, I want kids, and I want to be happy. I don't have any of that." I feel like that alone shows that you need to leave him alone. If you know what you want and he is not willing to give it to... why are you with him?
Second, he has a baby on the way with someone else. Lets put the fact that he cheated to the side for a second. If you are not having protected sex with him, he is putting not only his life in danger but yours too. Now to this baby. You do not seem sure that you two are together. I am not sure if this is because he has cheated so much or because he won't fully commit. In my opinion the baby by someone else shows you that you two are not a couple.
Finally, to answer you question... YES leave him alone. Change you number, block him on social networks, do whatever you have to in order to remove him (and his child and it's mother) from your life. You worry about missing out on what you want, but aren't you already not getting what you want? Why not really seek it instead of hoping this man will change?
You say "I must be in love because I won't leave him alone." Here comes a dose of reality... That's not love! In my opinion it is stupidity and low self-confidence. Plus it shows you do not love yourself. Work on you! Build yourself confidence, build your love for yourself, and most of all find a way to be 'ok' with being alone. These is a VERY important trait to have as a woman. Your friends are right! Accept that he is not going to change and things are not going to workout with him to the things you desire.
Dear Confused in Love,
ReplyDeleteI agree with many if the points Amethyst made so I won't rehash. I will however piggyback on two points in particular because I feel they are highly important and well worth reiterating. 1. The fact that he is obviously having unprotected sex with other women shows his lack of regard for yours and his own health. You MUST proctect yourself, hopefully by leaving him, and please get tested. He does not love you and or even respect you. He's only doing to you what you ALLOW him to do to you. 2. Your seeming "inability" to part ways with him, despite his lack of committment and his numerous indiscretions, is not love, it is your fear of being alone. It also shows, as Amethyst said, a lack of self-respect and self-love. I strongly suggest you see a therapist or life coach to help you figure out why you don't believe that you are worthy of better. You can, for the record, do much, much better. I also suggest that you not jump into rebound relationship. Take the time to get yourself back on track. Best of luck to you in your journey!
Confused in Love,
ReplyDeleteIf I could give you two things I would give you a hug and a backbone. A hug because it really seems like your self esteem is way too low and I know all to well about that and a backbone because I need you to kick dude to the curb. He is going to kill you...AIDS is real!!! Making babies = unsafe sex. You have no clue who he does and does not use a condom with and please know that all STDs cannot be prevented with the use of condoms.
It also sounds like this guy has no respect for you. Is this the type of person you want to be with and have kids with? How would you respond if you were looking at someone else in the same situation? Please be smart, love yourself, and remove this guy from your life. I am not hearing anything that makes him worth keeping around.
♥Emerald