Coming Back Home....

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Well, looks like I have somehow found my way back to blogging. Throughout college blogging was my therapy. A way in which I found my way through what I now recognize to be an emotionally abusive relationship. I guess it is not so remarkable that I find myself back to blogging during what has been one of the most emotional periods of my life.

I'm blessed to have a wonderful husband, a healthy extended family, a great career but there is one thing missing. One thing that I can't control. A baby. Over the last year and half, my husband I have set out on the journey having our first child. In the beginning, I was filled with joy and excitement at the prospect of this new experience. By month eight, the excitement had worn off and panic had set in. To make matters worse, discussing my fears with friends has proven nearly impossible. I've found it hard to find people who can relate. Many of my friends are just simply in different stages of their lives than I am. After months of medications and tests (that all came back normal) we have started seeing a fertility specialist. I can't fully explain my emotions around having to turn to a specialist. I'm consistently a mix of excitement, worry and shame. Shame. Yep. Shame. If one more nurse or doctor tells me that all of my test are normal or ideal, I might scream. I'm ashamed that this seemingly normal body cant produce a child for my husband. I am one hundred percent aware that this pressure is self inflicted, as the man in my life has been nothing short of supportive.

With this new chapter of infertility, I recognize that this is a time for me to grow as an individual and to stand firm in my faith...even when it seems impossible. It is a daily battle to not let negative thoughts consume me, but I truly believe god is preparing me to be ready for a baby. God knows I'll need all the patience I can get. Honestly, this is probably the first time in my entire life that something that I want is completely out of my control...and it's killing me.

The month of December begins a crucial turn in our journey, as we attempt our first treatment with the specialist. I'm focused on remaining positive, calm and prayed up. I have promised myself that every time I think about a baby, I'll stop and pray. I will allow myself to cry when necessary, as I believe that crying is therapeutic. I vow to only surround myself with individuals who are supportive, positive and respectful (more than anything) of what what my husband and I are dealing with. Above anything else, I am focused on not letting infertility drive a wedge between my husband I, as I know in my heart this rough patch is only going to make our union stronger.

xoxo
Ruby