I've often heard people say that your romantic partner should be your best friend, and I tend to agree. However, I'm beginning to think the philosophy has its pitfalls. Or maybe it's just the way I view BFF-ships that's flawed.
I've always thought of a best friend as someone you tell pretty much everything, and admittedly for me, "everything" may very well include a whole lotta TMI. Dreams, desires, secrets, embarrassments, bedroom discussions, ailments, insignificant or life-altering — no subject is off limits with my best gal pal. And I can't seem to turn off my unfiltered personality with my best guy, either. (I think I dubbed him "Rico" in an earlier post, so we'll stick with that.)
Rico and I were close friends for a few years before we ever started deucing it, so by the time we added the love element, he already knew the darkest secrets of my past, my history with men and every dysfunctional thing about my family and upbringing. The fact that he loves me despite my imperfections and confessions, makes me love him more. Lately, though, I've been thinking I should probably keep a few things to myself.
Most recently, I mentioned to Rico that a guy I used to date off-and-on said he'd found a woman who "might be the one." (How did this even come up, you ask? Here's the simplified story: Old Guy — who Rico has always known about — and I are in the same organization and the organization recently went on weekend trip out of town. Rico called one night while I was on the trip and asked what the group was discussing. I divulged.) Rico, has since been asking me how I felt about Old Guy having a new boo. The truth is, I'm cool with it. There's a reason Old Guy and I didn't work out; I accepted that a long time ago. But I'm beginning to suspect that Rico is not fully convinced, although I've given him no reason not to believe me, other than my mentioning it to him in the first place. This has me second-guessing my unfiltered ways. Not that Rico has ever judged, criticized or thrown anything in my face. I'm just starting to wonder how my over-sharing might be affecting him. He's shared things with me that I admit have made me squirm a little, but I'd still rather know than be in the dark.
Sound off, Gems: How do you define "best friend"? Does your mate/BFF need to know everything? Is withholding certain info a setup for relationship failure? How do I discern what to share/what to keep to myself?
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Last week there was a tweet chat that kinda touched on this subject - secrets. Some people feel that it is alright to keep secrets while others like myself think that secrets will cause more problems. I never kept or filtered anything from my husband. Why? Because I don't want anything to come back and bit me in the butt. I don't want to spill some secrets talking in my sleep, I don't want him to run into someone I used to know and they spill secrets, and most of all I don't want him to ever fill like I don't trust him enough to be myself. The only filter we have is the filter of respect.
ReplyDelete"Filter of respect" ... I love that! And you're right about things potentially coming back to bite you. Been there done that. So, I guess I'll keep having honesty hour lol. Thanks for the feedback.
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