♥Emerald
If money was no object, what ONE thing that you would love to get for Christmas?
Friday, November 30
Question of the Day (QOTD)
Every week one of the Gemstones will post a QOTD that all the other Gemstones are encouraged to answer and answer honestly. Some questions will be rated G others may be rated R, so make sure that you are subscribed and/or following 30s & Life so that you can also join the fun. We can't wait to see your answers!
♥Emerald
♥Emerald
30 Things Every BLACK Woman Should Have and Know By 30
Since the publication of "30 Things Every Woman Should Have and Should Know by the Time She is 30" by the esteemed editors of Glamour, opinions, declarations, and even counter lists have emerged addressing this guide book. I haven't personally read it though. (I'm already in my 30s and don't want or need the headache of understanding why I haven't accomplished [whether by choice or circumstance] something yet and why that something would make me feel complete/accomplished.lol No, but really, I just haven't taken the time to read it yet.) The list itself has existed for years and is enough to convince many women (even stubborn me) to reevaluate their lives and/or affirm that they are indeed living their lives fully.
Interesting enough, Essence released it's own list of "30 Things" (truth or a little friendly magazine rivalry...hmm?)...for the Black woman. Now, I must say, as a Black woman who didn't grow up with access to certain information and opportunities, I never considered that Glamour's list may not totally apply to me...until I read the below list from Essence. Now, although Essence is reputable and geared towards people who look like me, I won't make the common mistake of agreeing with everything stated simply because they're "black" (just like I didn't agree with all of the items in Glamour's list simply because I'm a woman).
1. A song that immediately lifts her spirits or takes her back to a special, stress-free time, no matter where she is.
I think ALL women need this. As a matter of fact, I have a genre of music that I listen to when I need my spirits lifted. (Don't ask which one. This is not a post for y'all to laugh at my expense.)
2. A polite, diplomatic way of putting someone in check and a taste of sister girl attitude when diplomacy just won’t cut it.
I underlined the key words of this "must". By the time a Black woman is 30, she needs to be able to NOT be distasteful and physically combative just to get her point across.
3. A favorite moisturizer, a favorite hair product and a favorite recipe in case she has to cook something impressive (or a favorite bakery or restaurant to pick it up from).
Okay, can we add "the ABILITY to cook" here? Not liking to cook is one thing, but not to be able to do it is embarrassing. Cooking lessons, better yet...a cookbook, aren't expensive.
4. A tool set, a car jack and a refusal to be anybody’s damsel in distress
Amen! :: finger snaps in a circle ::
5. The willingness and resolve to let it go, whatever “it” is
6. Spiritual grounding and a prayer and meditation war closet to sneak off to when life hands her chaos
7. A signature dance and a motivational saying
For nos. 5 - 7, I must agree. These are things that don't cost one cent but are worth more than gold.
8. A hot pick-up line—you know, in case she ever needs or wants to use it
Eh...I wouldn't know about this since I'm an old married hag. But even if I wasn't, :: shrugs :: I don't get why I would still need this by 30. Maybe it was just a number filler.
9. Dreams and the dogged desire to protect them, even from the people closest to her
Sadly, I find this to be true. One would be amazed at who that first person would be to kill that dream as soon as you share it.
10. A greater appreciation for her mother. Not necessarily a greater understanding, but at least a greater appreciation
The truth in all of it's glory! I may often refer to my mother as a whack job, I appreciate her more now than I ever have. Because of her...because of what I learned from her (either directly or indirectly), I am the woman I am today.
11. The ability to small talk in any social circle and a two-step to do at office parties and conservative social events
Yeah, if you can't do this by 30, just go ahead and rescue a few cats, purchase a kerosene heater from a flea market, and confine yourself to a rocking chair. Congratulations—you are officially an old hermit.
12. An appreciation for Black men, even if she never wants to date, marry or sleep with one
13. An awareness that racism still exists but it’s no excuse for settling
14. An awareness that there’s no excuse for settling. Period
Two thumbs up and a back bend for nos. 12 - 14.
15. A body shaper, a good push-up bra and a sense of humor
Must haves REGARDLESS of ethnicity. As a woman, these things WILL transform your image for the better.
16. Empathy for every Black woman's experience, even if her walk hasn't looked remotely similar
I struggle with this one. Sorry. I just can't "empathize" with anything that I have never been through and can't relate.
17. Confidence in knowing that having a man and children are part of the African-American dream, but they don’t have to be part of her African-American dream
Very true.
18. A passport, because she should never be caught unprepared should an opportunity to travel arise
Right. Purchasing one will NOT break you. Hmph...some Black women spend more on their purses and shoes.
19. The humility to apologize without prompting, prodding or any lingering aftereffects
THANK YOU!
20. A financial plan, even if she only has $20 to her name
I couldn't agree with this more. As a matter of fact, let's add good credit to this. No excuses. By the age of 30, you should know better. I understand that things happen, but by 30, you should at least KNOW about good credit, how to obtain it, and strive for it.
21. One thing that reminds her of being a little girl and invites her to feel playful, even if her childhood wasn’t the greatest
I guess. I don't have this, but I didn't have a terrible childhood either.
22. At least one cause or issue she feels passionate enough to debate (or argue) about
Right, because if you're not that passionate about anything by the time you're 30, you clearly haven't lived yet.
23. A good pair of black heels, a button-down white shirt and a get ‘em girl dress that makes her look like a brickhouse and feel like Beyoncé
I don't know about feeling like Beyoncé (:: waits for tomatoes to be thrown as I'm not a die-hard fan :: ), but a good pair of black heels, a button-down white shirt, and a get 'em girl dress WILL make you feel like you are DA SHIT.
24. A list of things that she wants in a house, a career and a spouse and a list of things she absolutely can’t compromise on
Definitely.
25. Peace about being different and respect for what makes her that way
26. An appreciation for diversity, both in and outside of the diaspora
27. At least three things she can love and dote on herself about that have nothing to do with what she sees in the mirror
28. An understanding that not everyone is going to like her, but that everyone has got to respect her
29. The personal freedom to make choices without justifying them to her parents, her siblings or anybody else for that matter
Nos. 25 - 29 are things I will never disagree on. Open your eyes my fellow Black women; receive, accept, and embrace them.
30. A few secrets to hold on to and drop when she gets old
Never thought about this, but I think I owe it to myself to honor No. 30. Those who are close to me, be scared. Be vewy, vewy scared. :: evil laugh ::
Interesting enough, Essence released it's own list of "30 Things" (truth or a little friendly magazine rivalry...hmm?)...for the Black woman. Now, I must say, as a Black woman who didn't grow up with access to certain information and opportunities, I never considered that Glamour's list may not totally apply to me...until I read the below list from Essence. Now, although Essence is reputable and geared towards people who look like me, I won't make the common mistake of agreeing with everything stated simply because they're "black" (just like I didn't agree with all of the items in Glamour's list simply because I'm a woman).
(Okay, seriously...this is not a battle of the lists...lol)
1. A song that immediately lifts her spirits or takes her back to a special, stress-free time, no matter where she is.
I think ALL women need this. As a matter of fact, I have a genre of music that I listen to when I need my spirits lifted. (Don't ask which one. This is not a post for y'all to laugh at my expense.)
2. A polite, diplomatic way of putting someone in check and a taste of sister girl attitude when diplomacy just won’t cut it.
I underlined the key words of this "must". By the time a Black woman is 30, she needs to be able to NOT be distasteful and physically combative just to get her point across.
3. A favorite moisturizer, a favorite hair product and a favorite recipe in case she has to cook something impressive (or a favorite bakery or restaurant to pick it up from).
Okay, can we add "the ABILITY to cook" here? Not liking to cook is one thing, but not to be able to do it is embarrassing. Cooking lessons, better yet...a cookbook, aren't expensive.
4. A tool set, a car jack and a refusal to be anybody’s damsel in distress
Amen! :: finger snaps in a circle ::
5. The willingness and resolve to let it go, whatever “it” is
6. Spiritual grounding and a prayer and meditation war closet to sneak off to when life hands her chaos
7. A signature dance and a motivational saying
For nos. 5 - 7, I must agree. These are things that don't cost one cent but are worth more than gold.
8. A hot pick-up line—you know, in case she ever needs or wants to use it
Eh...I wouldn't know about this since I'm an old married hag. But even if I wasn't, :: shrugs :: I don't get why I would still need this by 30. Maybe it was just a number filler.
9. Dreams and the dogged desire to protect them, even from the people closest to her
Sadly, I find this to be true. One would be amazed at who that first person would be to kill that dream as soon as you share it.
10. A greater appreciation for her mother. Not necessarily a greater understanding, but at least a greater appreciation
The truth in all of it's glory! I may often refer to my mother as a whack job, I appreciate her more now than I ever have. Because of her...because of what I learned from her (either directly or indirectly), I am the woman I am today.
11. The ability to small talk in any social circle and a two-step to do at office parties and conservative social events
Yeah, if you can't do this by 30, just go ahead and rescue a few cats, purchase a kerosene heater from a flea market, and confine yourself to a rocking chair. Congratulations—you are officially an old hermit.
12. An appreciation for Black men, even if she never wants to date, marry or sleep with one
13. An awareness that racism still exists but it’s no excuse for settling
14. An awareness that there’s no excuse for settling. Period
Two thumbs up and a back bend for nos. 12 - 14.
15. A body shaper, a good push-up bra and a sense of humor
Must haves REGARDLESS of ethnicity. As a woman, these things WILL transform your image for the better.
16. Empathy for every Black woman's experience, even if her walk hasn't looked remotely similar
I struggle with this one. Sorry. I just can't "empathize" with anything that I have never been through and can't relate.
17. Confidence in knowing that having a man and children are part of the African-American dream, but they don’t have to be part of her African-American dream
Very true.
18. A passport, because she should never be caught unprepared should an opportunity to travel arise
Right. Purchasing one will NOT break you. Hmph...some Black women spend more on their purses and shoes.
19. The humility to apologize without prompting, prodding or any lingering aftereffects
THANK YOU!
20. A financial plan, even if she only has $20 to her name
I couldn't agree with this more. As a matter of fact, let's add good credit to this. No excuses. By the age of 30, you should know better. I understand that things happen, but by 30, you should at least KNOW about good credit, how to obtain it, and strive for it.
21. One thing that reminds her of being a little girl and invites her to feel playful, even if her childhood wasn’t the greatest
I guess. I don't have this, but I didn't have a terrible childhood either.
22. At least one cause or issue she feels passionate enough to debate (or argue) about
Right, because if you're not that passionate about anything by the time you're 30, you clearly haven't lived yet.
23. A good pair of black heels, a button-down white shirt and a get ‘em girl dress that makes her look like a brickhouse and feel like Beyoncé
I don't know about feeling like Beyoncé (:: waits for tomatoes to be thrown as I'm not a die-hard fan :: ), but a good pair of black heels, a button-down white shirt, and a get 'em girl dress WILL make you feel like you are DA SHIT.
24. A list of things that she wants in a house, a career and a spouse and a list of things she absolutely can’t compromise on
Definitely.
25. Peace about being different and respect for what makes her that way
26. An appreciation for diversity, both in and outside of the diaspora
27. At least three things she can love and dote on herself about that have nothing to do with what she sees in the mirror
28. An understanding that not everyone is going to like her, but that everyone has got to respect her
29. The personal freedom to make choices without justifying them to her parents, her siblings or anybody else for that matter
Nos. 25 - 29 are things I will never disagree on. Open your eyes my fellow Black women; receive, accept, and embrace them.
30. A few secrets to hold on to and drop when she gets old
Never thought about this, but I think I owe it to myself to honor No. 30. Those who are close to me, be scared. Be vewy, vewy scared. :: evil laugh ::
Thursday, November 29
Build Up Your Mate
A while back I read an article online that really made me check myself as a mate. One thing that always stays on my mind is whether or not I am being a helpmeet or a quarrelsome wife. I learned a while ago that the best way to "train" my husband is with my actions. The better I am, the better he acts (I know this doesn't work in all situations).
The article I read describes ways in which I could use my words and actions to build up my husband instead of using them to tear him down.
Here are six ways we can start building up our husbands today:
1. Listen to what he has to say so that you will recognize what's on his heart.
2. Make an effort to be as cheerful as you were when you were engaged to be married.
3. Ignore his faults and focus on his strong points by taking note of them.
4. Compliment him for the way that he looks and the good things that he does like working hard for the family.
5. See him for who he is, not who you want him to be.
6. Be slow to anger. Relay your frustration with love, respect, and a cool head.
Honestly, I can say that I do most of those things fairly well but I am FAR from perfect. There are times where I slip up and I don't listen to him. Days pass when I don't tell him "thank you" for the things that he does without asking. The worst for me is "slow to anger," when I get angry it's loud, quick, and over the top. I am still working on that and I do believe that I am on the road to improvement since I can recognize that this is an issue.
I challenge you right now to think of some a few ways that you acknowledge and build up your mate. I'll start:
Dear Husband,
Thank you for being the type of man that will go to work and work hard each day to provide.
Thank you for getting up at 3am to let the dog out.
Thank you for making me laugh in the middle of my flowing tears.
You are sexy!
Thank you for still trying to charm me like you did when we were dating.
Thank you most of all for not being perfect because of that, I know that you do not expect me to be perfect.
See the article here: 6 Ways To Build Up Our Husbands
♥Emerald
Dear Gemstones: Confused In Love
On Thursdays the Gemstones will answer letters sent in. Today's letter is from Confused in Love.
Dear Gemstones,
I am 31 yrs old, not married, no kids, and confused. I have a boyfriend - our situation is complicated but we are together in a sense. I have been with him for 5 yrs. We have seen other people meet and get married during this time. I feel like I am living a real life soap opera. I want to be married, I want kids, and I want to be happy. I don't have any of that.
Long story short. I have caught my present "man" multiple times being unfaithful. When I try to leave him, he won't go and I must be in love because I won't leave him alone. It has gotten so bad that he has a baby on the way with another woman. I guess I have hopes that he will change and make me an honest woman. My friends have been telling me for years to leave him alone. My situation as actually chased some friends away, but that just makes me ask if they were ever real friends at all.
I don't know what to do. Do I stay with him and risk missing out on things I want? Or do I leave and try to find happy with someone new? If it works with him I will be more than happy.
Please help,
Confused in Love
If you would like to submit a letter to the Gemstones for advice. Email them with the subject "Dear Gemstones".
Dear Gemstones,
I am 31 yrs old, not married, no kids, and confused. I have a boyfriend - our situation is complicated but we are together in a sense. I have been with him for 5 yrs. We have seen other people meet and get married during this time. I feel like I am living a real life soap opera. I want to be married, I want kids, and I want to be happy. I don't have any of that.
Long story short. I have caught my present "man" multiple times being unfaithful. When I try to leave him, he won't go and I must be in love because I won't leave him alone. It has gotten so bad that he has a baby on the way with another woman. I guess I have hopes that he will change and make me an honest woman. My friends have been telling me for years to leave him alone. My situation as actually chased some friends away, but that just makes me ask if they were ever real friends at all.
I don't know what to do. Do I stay with him and risk missing out on things I want? Or do I leave and try to find happy with someone new? If it works with him I will be more than happy.
Please help,
Confused in Love
If you would like to submit a letter to the Gemstones for advice. Email them with the subject "Dear Gemstones".
Two become one, but do you have to share everything?
OK, let me tackle this one from the recent post, “Thirty Things Every Woman Should Have and Should Know by the Time She is 30": 8. “An email address, a voice mailbox, and a bank account -- all of which nobody has access to but you.”
Yep, “... two become one,” but does that mean you have to share EVERYTHING?
I don’t think so.
I’ve had my own bank account since I was a teenager. And now, at the age of 31 and nearly five years into marriage, I still have my own bank account. Sure, hubs and I have joint accounts, which we use for household expenses, miscellaneous purchases and joint savings, but we both believe that it’s perfectly OK for married couples to have their own bank accounts.
Why? Because we feel that one of the keys to a happy and successful marriage is accepting (and embracing) the fact that you do not have to control everything! In fact, adopting that idea will make your life easier. I’ve been told plenty of times that this is “wrong,” but hey, it works for us. And as an added benefit, we don’t argue over money.
But if you think that’s good, I’ve got my own passwords, too!
Look … between work, school and my personal life, I have way too many passwords to remember -- all of which carry their own set of demands. Yes, “demands,” because password creation tops my list of annoyances with the Internet … in addition to some of the people of course, but you get it. Think about it. They’ve gotta have a certain amount of characters, numbers, uppercase letters, lowercase letters, “special” characters, spaces … and the list goes on. Heck, I have to change my passwords for work every thirty days!
So let’s be realistic for a second – at times we have both shared passwords to email, social media and other sites. Some we remember, some we don’t … but nobody has a spreadsheet going over here. 'Cause in the words of Sweet Brown: “Ain’t nobody got time for that!”
The most important thing is that we’ll both hand over phones and passwords at any moment. It has happened plenty of times for various reasons – whether it’s because our own battery is dead, or we need a favor, or because I need to make a call and I don’t feel like going upstairs to get my phone (I won’t put that one on him, just me).
It’s not about keeping secrets, or maintaining “control” over certain aspects of your life.
I believe that by the age of thirty, a woman should be secure enough, mature enough, and wise enough to receive and give others the space, freedom and trust that is deserved. I don't want to be with someone who has to have access to EVERYTHING.
“For the pillars of the temple stand apart … And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.” - Kahlil Gibran
So where do you stand? Should couples share everything?
Yep, “... two become one,” but does that mean you have to share EVERYTHING?
I don’t think so.
I’ve had my own bank account since I was a teenager. And now, at the age of 31 and nearly five years into marriage, I still have my own bank account. Sure, hubs and I have joint accounts, which we use for household expenses, miscellaneous purchases and joint savings, but we both believe that it’s perfectly OK for married couples to have their own bank accounts.
Why? Because we feel that one of the keys to a happy and successful marriage is accepting (and embracing) the fact that you do not have to control everything! In fact, adopting that idea will make your life easier. I’ve been told plenty of times that this is “wrong,” but hey, it works for us. And as an added benefit, we don’t argue over money.
But if you think that’s good, I’ve got my own passwords, too!
Look … between work, school and my personal life, I have way too many passwords to remember -- all of which carry their own set of demands. Yes, “demands,” because password creation tops my list of annoyances with the Internet … in addition to some of the people of course, but you get it. Think about it. They’ve gotta have a certain amount of characters, numbers, uppercase letters, lowercase letters, “special” characters, spaces … and the list goes on. Heck, I have to change my passwords for work every thirty days!
So let’s be realistic for a second – at times we have both shared passwords to email, social media and other sites. Some we remember, some we don’t … but nobody has a spreadsheet going over here. 'Cause in the words of Sweet Brown: “Ain’t nobody got time for that!”
The most important thing is that we’ll both hand over phones and passwords at any moment. It has happened plenty of times for various reasons – whether it’s because our own battery is dead, or we need a favor, or because I need to make a call and I don’t feel like going upstairs to get my phone (I won’t put that one on him, just me).
It’s not about keeping secrets, or maintaining “control” over certain aspects of your life.
I believe that by the age of thirty, a woman should be secure enough, mature enough, and wise enough to receive and give others the space, freedom and trust that is deserved. I don't want to be with someone who has to have access to EVERYTHING.
“For the pillars of the temple stand apart … And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.” - Kahlil Gibran
So where do you stand? Should couples share everything?
Wednesday, November 28
Relationships
Relationships come in many forms. Family, friends, romantic, professional, and so on. Over my 30 years I have learned that I have different relationships and connections with each person in my life. From my child to my mom to my best friend to my sibling. I have also learned that most relationships change over time. Some times the changing of a person involved in a relationship cause it to change or even become strained. I noticed in the last few years I fight to maintain relationships with people. I guess this is not a problem but there is a limit to how much fight one should put in. I can look back on situations where I fought far too hard for someone to stay in my life. I had to realize a few things. One is it takes two people to have a relationship and it takes both parties being willing to work at it to make it work. Second I realized that I can't be the only one fighting or wanting to fix the issues. Third is how it is ok to let someone leave my life or remove them from it.
This is easier said than done when the person is someone you are close to or have a long history with. Most recently I put space between me and a friend whose relationship became strained. They began communicating less and their life took a new turn that I did not fully agree with. After placing the space in the relationship I felt better but missed them. They were a good friend of mine and had been for almost a decade. We kept in contact but it was not on the level it use to be. Thanks to social networks it is easy to be in "contact" with someone without really contacting them. The few times we were around each other this friend continued to show me they changed and not for the better. It hurt me to see them in a dark place and allowing things in their life that was not good. I noticed a change in my moods when I would spend time with this friend. It was like their mess was bringing me down. Weighing my heart down and reducing my energy. I decided that more space was needed.
Over time things have improved. I feel they are getting their happiness back. I am slowly reducing the space I placed between us. I am very happy about this because I did not want them to leave my life. Having positive reciprocal relationships in my life are important to me. I can do bad by myself! I do not need anyone in my life who will consistently bring me down. I hope that this relationship continues to improve, but will have to accept if it does not and has to end.
This is easier said than done when the person is someone you are close to or have a long history with. Most recently I put space between me and a friend whose relationship became strained. They began communicating less and their life took a new turn that I did not fully agree with. After placing the space in the relationship I felt better but missed them. They were a good friend of mine and had been for almost a decade. We kept in contact but it was not on the level it use to be. Thanks to social networks it is easy to be in "contact" with someone without really contacting them. The few times we were around each other this friend continued to show me they changed and not for the better. It hurt me to see them in a dark place and allowing things in their life that was not good. I noticed a change in my moods when I would spend time with this friend. It was like their mess was bringing me down. Weighing my heart down and reducing my energy. I decided that more space was needed.
Over time things have improved. I feel they are getting their happiness back. I am slowly reducing the space I placed between us. I am very happy about this because I did not want them to leave my life. Having positive reciprocal relationships in my life are important to me. I can do bad by myself! I do not need anyone in my life who will consistently bring me down. I hope that this relationship continues to improve, but will have to accept if it does not and has to end.
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